I feel so unsatisfied. I also feel completely selfish and immature for saying that, but its a true statement. Some of it has to do with school and the fact that exams are upon us now. Yet, once again, I could care less. I’d rather hang out with my friends then study; I’ve fallen back into the thinking of “well, since I haven’t done well on my tests, theres no way I can pass the class” and I just honestly don’t care. I’ve started thinking that I’d rather be working next semester; forget school, forget classes, forget it all-just work and get some money saved up once again. Yet, I’m afraid if I do that, then I’ll never come back here, either by stuff always coming up and I never get around to getting a degree, or that the college won’t let me back in since my gpa is so low. I’m honestly surprised that the college hasn’t contacted me about my low gpa and given me a warning as of yet…we’ll see how it is in a few weeks once grades have been posted.
…I know I feel like God has told me that something along the lines of missions work is in my future-I just don’t know what. I know that in order to do Chi Alpha I have to have a degree. But what if its not Chi Alpha and what if the question is when am I supposed to be getting that degree and is now the time to do so? I hate the thought of just wasting money on school when I’m not doing so well. I’d rather get a job and work. And yet, I know that if I did get a job and started working that I’d just complain about that as much as I do with school.
I feel like such a scumbag whenever people tell me that they are having to worry about financial aid, or scholarships, or loans when dealing with college. I have it easy. I’ve made it through basically on my inheiritance from my Opa, minus a semester that my parents paid for. So technically I am wasting my own money doing something I hate; complaining day in and day out, and yet I do nothing to change it. I’m sick of school. But I’m afraid to drop out. Not just because of what people will say and think whenever they see me or whenever my name comes up in conversations, but I’m scared of what I’d have to do next. I’ve known nothing but school for the past 16 years of my life. Sure, I held a part-time job in high school, and two jobs one summer during college, but there’s a difference between going to school, part-time job on the side, and just doing a full-time job with no school added. A major difference.
I just don’t care. Which is a major part of the problem. I want to find something that I am passionette about doing; something I can see myself doing daily and not being bored at it. But I haven’t found it. Most of my friends get so excited when talking about what they want to do, and me-I feel ashamed. I have no idea. I have no passion. I want to figure out what my passion is, but I don’t want to waste the money on it.
I just wish I had the answers now instead of waiting to see whats going to happen. I really need to spend some time praying on this all, but lately I haven’t even been spending time with God. And when I do, its quick. Nothing taken in, nothing understood, but just words blending all into one phrase of “oh yea, I read my Bible today”. And I can’t tell anyone this. Well, I guess I could (especially since I’m telling basically the whole world here) but I’d be just too ashamed. It’s hard to tell people when you are failing in something, its hard to open up that part of yourself. But I can see it affecting me: I’m becoming more snappy, complaining more (something I hate about myself and try as I might I guess I’m not doing a very good job at breaking that habit as the guys keep bringing it to my attention), and the likes.
I feel like I’ve just wasted an entire semester and I have nothing to show for it. Sure, I’ve had some laughs and some fun. But have I honestly done anything that is really affecting? Have I allowed God to minister through me in any way? Have I connected better with people then before? Have I have I have I have???? There are just so many of those questions floating in my head, and I’m afraid the answer is a resounding “no” which disappoints me to the core. For someone who’s heart wants and even longs to be in the right place, my actions sure don’t show it.
I just wish…I don’t even know what I wish…and thats the sad part.
Still though, I feel like I’ve somehow cheated my way into it. Sure there was no one technically in the running, especially since I didn’t even know that a change of leadership was happening, nor did anyone else. But I still feel as though I don’t deserve it; I know I don’t deserve it. I mean, I finally stepped up in leadership this year, but all I really do is organize and arrange things. I’m a “2nd leader” for the Truth Project Lifegroup and I don’t do anything there. I don’t do one-on-ones with people because I clearly don’t feel like God has given me a pastoral/shepherd mindset that would be needed (which doesn’t quite make sense with the direction I feel that He’s calling me….so somehow that quality is going to need to show up somehow I’m thinking…unless I’m just totally mis-reading what He’s been showing me). Aspects such as: I’m a “complainer”; I’m “judgmental”; I’m “too loud”; and that I’m “annoying” are basically some, but not all, daily phrases I hear when hanging out with the guys. I just don’t see why he didn’t pick someone with better qualities; better spiritual qualities even. I know I’m growing closer to God, especially ever since I finally accepted his calling on my life, but when I get around the guys and they start having spiritual debates, or discussions on the Word-I feel like such a failure. I dwell in the Word daily, and yet if you were to ask me what I had read the day before, I probably wouldn’t be able to tell you just because I don’t retain what I read that well (which is odd because I love reading so much). Obviously there has to be characteristics in me that Hargett sees in order to entrust me like this, but I guess because I know my flaws I just can’t see it. And there’s not much that this “presidency” even entails; just some emails from the college that I’ll need to keep up with to make sure deadlines are met on whatever they need; but still. I almost can’t help thinking that he gave me it because I am good at organizing and detailing events and whatnot, which is fine because I know its one of my spiritual gifts that God has given me.
