I’m wondering if business is the right degree or not…especially since I feel no passion for it whatsoever…i need God to show me which of these options I’m being handed to choose…i need some guidance…majorly. Right now, I only feel passion for one thing in my life, and I’m really not any good at it, but I feel as though I would do almost anything to learn more. It excites me to talk about it, to learn more about it, and when I see the finished goods-I feel so incredibly stoked, even if they aren’t that good. But is it something that I’m supposed to do?
And if I did even try to switch into the program, its going to be incredibly hard, considering that my GPA right now is a 2.4, but after this semester & if i fail these 3 classes, it’ll be even lower..and just to get a minor in this I’d need a 2.75….I have no idea what it’d be to change majors.
I know I got into this school for a reason. I shouldn’t have, by no means should I have gotten in. My grades in high school (a’s & b’s), and SAT scores were not even close to what they told us during orientation those first days..my SAT was well under 200 pts from the average. And yet I got in…so obviously God has a reason for me being here But what is that exactly? Why? Why am I here when as hard as I’m trying I can’t grasp the subjects of what my major is? When you reach the core classes they should excite you and inspire you and that’s so not happening to me. If anything, I just view them as more classes; dull, boring classes. I don’t think this degree is where I’m supposed to be. But is it this other one? This passion that I’ve held for almost 10 years, but haven’t really had a chance to develop it-is it this that I’m supposed to do?
I’m seeking God so hard on this. Whether to stay in this major, to switch to another, to switch to the one I’d like to be in if there was a chance I could ever get in, or even just to leave….to just drop out; maybe a semester, maybe a year, maybe until I’m older and have a family, and have to get my degree via night classes like my dad did. I’m seeking God so incredibly hard on this. He doesn’t open doors just to close you in an un-openable room. But thats where I’m at. I’m at the un-openable room, and it feels like what I thought I was supposed to do is not really what I am. And I’m searching my heart to see if I’m running from something that God might have told me. Am I running from a ministry that He’s set before me, but I’m blinding myself to it? Am I allowing other things to get in the way of His will for me? Did I do this on my own? The first I don’t think I am; I don’t believe I’m running from a ministry or allowing myself to be blinded to one. There have been many different times when I’ve felt the calling into missions, or music ministry, and I’ve followed that calling so far; but I don’t feel another calling anywhere but in those 2 areas as of yet. The second question, I hope I’m not. I don’t want to get in His way of His will for me. I want to follow what He has planned for me. I want to bring Him honor and glory with my life, and I don’t think I’ve done this on my own…but I think I might have missed the turn-off on this highway of knowledge. I believe I got into this school for a reason, but maybe this just isn’t what I am supposed to do with the rest of my life. I just don’t know….
My parents are supportive of this all. They didn’t even yell at me for the fact that I’m literally failing 3 classes. Failing even though I’m studying hardcore; reading the book, taking notes, listening in class, taking notes during class, etc etc. But instead, my parents told me that they are proud of me. Proud of me when I’m failing-how ironic is that? They even offered me a dream if I could just show even more that I am trying my hardest. I told them it was cruel of them to expect me to bring up my F’s to C’s in a month. They said, no-we just want you to show us that you really are trying. I said okay. I’m meeting with 2 of my teachers this week about it all. We’ll see what happens. But my parents offered me a dream. And, if this is miraculously bestowed to me, then it has to be a sign that I’m to change my major and switch…otherwise there is no reason to get this dream. It would be cruel to have your dream come true, only not know how to enjoy it, to get the most out of it. But it would be more than just a sign…it’d be more of a confirmation to answers that I hope God will start showing me…if that is the path I’m supposed to take. Being me, I’m more than partially hoping that it is, but I don’t want to interfere with what God has planned for me. I keep telling myself, ‘God knows my heart. He knows my passion. If my passion is what is going to bring Him the greatest glory with my life, then that is what He will lead me to do. But if not…but if not, then let me hear the voice of God over my voice, my wants, over me.’
I just ask that whoever might read this, that you’d send a prayer up for me if you wouldn’t mind. I ask that you’d petition God to reveal to me what He has planned for my steps to take, like he did with Moses when He told him to take His people to the land of milk and honey. I ask that you’d pray that I would hear God above my own wants, above my own wishes. I ask that you’d ask that I find peace over this. Thanks to anyone who might send up a prayer for me. I don’t believe you’d know how much it’d mean to me.
-immashutterbug
Oh well…there’s only like 1 1/2 months left of school. I will survive! Anywho, these past few days have been a blur of non-stop excitement.