Immashutterbug’s Weblog

So maybe because I’m sick I’m just feeling down and out and that’s where this is all coming from, but this is how I currently feel and I just need to let it out….

Sometimes I seriously wonder if people would notice if I didn’t hang out with the group anymore. Its not like they actually listen to me anyways, and half the time when I go to say something people just ignore the fact that I have something to bring to the conversation and just talk over me. Even when I’m trying to get there attention on something I get ignored, and later on, when they start talking on whatever point I was trying to make its just like hello. if you wouldn’t have overrode my talking you would have heard this already. As much as I love these friends of mine, sometimes I just wonder how good or well of friends we are. If things are going on, I’m usually the last to know, but I’m usually the first to ask about what is going on. Maybe I’m just viewed as a “tag-along” or something along those lines, and people really don’t like to hang out with me, but they put up with me; because its the “nice” thing to do. I realize that most of this being typed is probably complete crap, and that its more than likely a side effect of the various meds I’ve had to take today because of this allergy flare-up, but still I wonder….

I wonder things like, if I were to stop hanging with the group, would they notice?  Or, maybe if I can attain my normal self, the side that is hyper and loud around small numbers of people, that they would listen to me? I think the only reason I was invited to go with some of them to paint the free expression tunnel the other night was because I had a camera.  Seriously. The text message read: You wanna come with your camera? I am more than just a girl with a camera. I have thoughts, views, ideas, dreams, and passions that need to be shared just as much as anyone else. But no one listens. If they did they would realize such things. But they don’t. And its their loss.

It feels so much like this to the point that, from my perspective, some of them really don’t talk to me unless little to no people are with us. There’s one guy who I thought I liked (i realized that I don’t-I’m not ready for any “crushes” or anything of that sort) but more and more he makes me feel like I have the plague or something. And I know for a fact that he doesn’t know that I did like him…only 2 maybe 3 people knew from me telling them, and they would never have told him, so there’s no way he could have picked up on it because even the people that I did tell didn’t pick up on it. But we’re supposed to be friends right? And everytime we’re in a group I’m the one he ignores, and its not that he’s ignoring all girls…oh no, its just me. Yet, I was making tea tonight, and he walked into the kitchen and made small talk with me about how I was sick and making tea and whatnot. The whole convo probably lasted all of 2 min before it was over with, but it was made where everyone else was in the other room, and yet when I tried to talk to him with the others around, I just got a weird look. Then it happened as they were all leaving, basically everyone was out the door, and he bounds around the corner from the office to catch up with them and stops to make small talk about me having a test and good luck and such. It doesn’t make sense.

I don’t know. Half the time I wonder why I hang out with Chi Alpha in the first place when it feels like this. I feel like the only people who are in XA and who really care are not even a handful, and most of the people who do care are not even a part of XA and are more than a handful. And I want to be a leader here? What do I honestly bring to the table, especially for a leadership role, if I’m just getting shafted at every turn…or almost every turn? And I’m not bashing them, please do not get me wrong. I love them all, and I know they love me, and most of this tirade is probably because of all the meds. Chi Alpha is an amazingly great group and I love being a part of it. It’s just days like today, when I’m sick and exhausted, and starting to stress about tests and upcoming exams, along with trying to follow God’s will for me and not running from that…it’s just days like today I wish one of my friends would just give me a hug. A hug instead of shying away from me blowing my nose like they did at the lunch table..its allergies for crying out loud…you are not going to catch them from me! It’s days like today I wish one of the guys I hang out with would realize hey. michaela’s having a bad day. let’s cheer her up. But no. I’m always the last to be sought and the first to be overlooked. Or, at least that is how it feels.

I just have to keep reminding myself that God has someone out there for me who will want to hear my thoughts and dreams and ideas. Someone that won’t talk over everything I say. And whether or not that is a future bf or just friends, like the few I have, they are very rare and I’m very appreciative of them.

Oh well…enough of this. If anything, its just helping me follow 1 Thessalonians’ instructions in chapter 4, verses 11 and 12:

Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life,
to mind your own business
and to work with your hands,
just as we told you,
so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders
and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.

ok…I have 2 tests I need to go study for. Tomorrow is going to be one long and busy day, and thursday just as bad. I really hope that I find time to sleep sometime tonight or tomorrow night.

I leave you with this from 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18:

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus,
-immashutterbug