Grace->a freely offered love that seeks and suffers in order to save.
I feel like I am a failure. There. I said it. I love how I can admit that to the entire world, everyone who I do not know personally, and yet to my friends, to the people that would actually care, I can’t. I know I shouldn’t feel this way. I mean, I can totally see God working in my life. I can see his hand upon me, how’s he’s showing me things, how he’s opening and closing doors in order for me to walk in the right direction-his direction. But I just can’t seem to stop this feeling of depression that is slowly sinking over me and breaking me apart as a tide licks at a sand castle.
I couldn’t get into the English department. I knew it was a long shot to begin with, that more than likely I wouldn’t get in right away, that I would need to re-apply come next semester. But I kept hoping that God would magically allow me to be accepted. That he would open the doors for me, bad gpa and all. It didn’t work like that. I got an email today saying that my application was denied, but that I should try again next semester. And while that is a glimmer of hope, its just a wave of unfulfilled expectations. I don’t know what to do with my life. I keep seeking and asking for Him to reveal to me what it is that I am supposed to be doing-why I am even here at college in the first place. I mean, its come to the point now that He has worked out the financial part of college; I now have money for the next year of school-what should be my senior year. But if I can’t get into the program until next semester, then I will have already wasted a years worth of classes on elective hours for the business degree. And what good does that do me? Absolutely none. It would be a waste. A waste of time. A waste of money. A waste of everything. I don’t want to waste this. I don’t want to waste this next year trying to get into a program that isn’t going to accept me, and be stuck in a program that I don’t fit.
God keeps showing me different things about integrity and being vulnerable. I thought I had integrity. Maybe I did, maybe I lost it, maybe I have it partially but its hidden. I don’t know. A definition of integrity is to be honest-completely honest. Being completely honest means being completely vulnerable. I don’t like being vulnerable. I am an independant person-I always have been. It’s just how my parents raised me. And I can be vulnerable to a point, but after that, good luck trying. Rarely do people see the vulnerable side of me. This side that screams, cries, wishes, dreams, hopes, my failures, my everything, my core. There are only a handful of people that I feel completely at ease with at being that vulnerable. And yet, God wants me to be more open to more??? I just don’t know how I can do that. I try. I really do. I’m really bad at connecting with other girls in Chi Alpha. I just get along with the guys better. But I’ve been trying. I’ve been especially trying because I am a leader, and how does that look if one of the leaders doesn’t even talk to other girls? Girls who I am supposed to be leading? It’s just hard. I’m not a girly-girl, and to make matters worse, most seem to be. And while there are a few girls that I’ve been able to connect with, to open up slightly to, I just feel like God is telling me that he wants MORE. More, more, more. How can I open up more??!!!
I want to do what He is asking of me. I want to be able to open myself up to others-to be free of this wall that I surround my heart in. But being vulnerable means allowing others to be able to hurt me-something I’m not too fond of.
I dunno….I guess if I want to be whole, if I want to be a woman who has integrity, then I’m going to have to put myself out there. I’m going to have to open up to others. I’m going to have to reveal my flaws, my cracks. I met with Hargett today for a bit at the house when me and the guys were just chilling. And he says I’m in a position for God to do great things in my life. But what I want to know is how does he know that? How does Hargett know this is not just all a front? An act put on to keep people out? How?? How can people tell when I am really being open with them and when I’m not? I know I’m not asking that the world be 100% open with me everytime I come into contact with another person. But is that what I’m being asked to do? Am I being asked to share my pitfalls, my faults, my failures with every person that i meet? In every situation that I come into? I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to handle that. It was bad enough on Monday night, after I had given blood, to hold in my tears over nothing when in front of the guys before they sent me home. My voice cracked every time I started to say something. And over what?! I had nothing wrong with me but low iron!! I don’t understand!!
I really just want God to reveal himself to me. To show me what it is that I am supposed to do in this up-coming year. And to help me be vulnerable to others. I guess it all comes down to grace. I love other people. And if I’m seeking to love other people and to show Christ to them, then I am going to have to be vulnerable. I’m going to have to open myself up to others-to let them see the real me. And thats what scares me.
-immashutterbug
