I feel so unsatisfied. I also feel completely selfish and immature for saying that, but its a true statement.  Some of it has to do with school and the fact that exams are upon us now. Yet, once again, I could care less. I’d rather hang out with my friends then study; I’ve fallen back into the thinking of “well, since I haven’t done well on my tests, theres no way I can pass the class” and I just honestly don’t care.  I’ve started thinking that I’d rather be working next semester; forget school, forget classes, forget it all-just work and get some money saved up once again. Yet, I’m afraid if I do that, then I’ll never come back here, either by stuff always coming up and I never get around to getting a degree, or that the college won’t let me back in since my gpa is so low.  I’m honestly surprised that the college hasn’t contacted me about my low gpa and given me a warning as of yet…we’ll see how it is in a few weeks once grades have been posted.

…I know I feel like God has told me that something along the lines of missions work is in my future-I just don’t know what. I know that in order to do Chi Alpha I have to have a degree.  But what if its not Chi Alpha and what if  the question is when am I supposed to be getting that degree and is now the time to do so? I hate the thought of just wasting money on school when I’m not doing so well. I’d rather get a job and work. And yet, I know that if I did get a job and started working that I’d just complain about that as much as I do with school.

I feel like such a scumbag whenever people tell me that they are having to worry about financial aid, or scholarships, or loans when dealing with college. I have it easy. I’ve made it through basically on my inheiritance from my Opa, minus a semester that my parents paid for. So technically I am wasting my own money doing something I hate; complaining day in and day out, and yet I do nothing to change it. I’m sick of school. But I’m afraid to drop out. Not just because of what people will say and think whenever they see me or whenever my name comes up in conversations, but I’m scared of what I’d have to do next.  I’ve known nothing but school for the past 16 years of my life.  Sure, I held a part-time job in high school, and two jobs one summer during college, but there’s a difference between going to school, part-time job on the side, and just doing a full-time job with no school added. A major difference.

I just don’t care. Which is a major part of the problem.  I want to find something that I am passionette about doing; something I can see myself doing daily and not being bored at it. But I haven’t found it.  Most of my friends get so  excited when talking about what they want to do, and me-I feel ashamed.  I have no idea.  I have no passion. I want to figure out what my passion is, but I don’t want to waste the money on it.

I just wish I had the answers now instead of waiting to see whats going to happen. I really need to spend some time praying on this all, but lately I haven’t even been spending time with God. And when I do, its quick.  Nothing taken in, nothing understood, but just words blending all into one phrase of “oh yea, I read my Bible today”.  And I can’t tell anyone this. Well, I guess I could (especially since I’m telling basically the whole world here) but I’d be just too ashamed. It’s hard to tell people when you are failing in something, its hard to open up that part of yourself.  But I can see it affecting me: I’m becoming more snappy, complaining more (something I hate about myself and try as I might I guess I’m not doing a very good job at breaking that habit as the guys keep bringing it to my attention), and the likes.

I feel like I’ve just wasted an entire semester and I have nothing to show for it. Sure, I’ve had some laughs and some fun.  But have I honestly done anything that is really affecting?  Have I allowed God to minister through me in any way?  Have I connected better with people then before? Have I have I have I have????  There are just so many of those questions floating in my head, and I’m afraid the answer is a resounding “no” which disappoints me to the core.  For someone who’s heart wants and even longs to be in the right place, my actions sure don’t show it.

I just wish…I don’t even know what I wish…and thats the sad part.

You know my folly, O God;
my guilt is not hidden from you.
May those who hope in you
not be disgraced because of me.
May those who seek you
not be put to shame because of me.

Sovereign Lord

The Sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue,
to know the word that sustains the weary.
He wakens me morning by morning,
wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.
The Sovereign Lord has opened my ears,
and I have not been rebellious;
I have not drawn back.

I offered my back to those who beat me,
my cheeks to those who pulled out my beard;
I did not hide my face from mocking and spitting.
Because the Sovereign Lord helps me,
I will not be disgraced.
Therefore have I set my face like flint,
and I know I will not be put to shame.

He who vindicates me is near.
Who then will bring charges against me?
Let us face each other!
Who is my accuser?
Let him confront me!
It is the Sovereign Lord who helps me.
Who is he that will condemn me?
They will all wear out like a garment;
the moths will eat them up.
Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the word of his servant?
Let him who walks in the dark,
who has no light,
trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God.

-Isaiah 50:4-10

I’m Chi Alpha’s new president.

Stunned? I was.

Hargett called me into the office today and told me that I was taking over for Bobby. No elections, no running, no voting. Perfect way to win a presidency if you ask me. Still though, I feel like I’ve somehow cheated my way into it. Sure there was no one technically in the running, especially since I didn’t even know that a change of leadership was happening, nor did anyone else. But I still feel as though I don’t deserve it; I know I don’t deserve it. I mean, I finally stepped up in leadership this year, but all I really do is organize and arrange things. I’m a “2nd leader” for the Truth Project Lifegroup and I don’t do anything there. I don’t do one-on-ones with people because I clearly don’t feel like God has given me a pastoral/shepherd mindset that would be needed (which doesn’t quite make sense with the direction I feel that He’s calling me….so somehow that quality is going to need to show up somehow I’m thinking…unless I’m just totally mis-reading what He’s been showing me). Aspects such as: I’m a “complainer”; I’m “judgmental”; I’m “too loud”; and that I’m “annoying” are basically some, but not all, daily phrases I hear when hanging out with the guys. I just don’t see why he didn’t pick someone with better qualities; better spiritual qualities even. I know I’m growing closer to God, especially ever since I finally accepted his calling on my life, but when I get around the guys and they start having spiritual debates, or discussions on the Word-I feel like such a failure. I dwell in the Word daily, and yet if you were to ask me what I had read the day before, I probably wouldn’t be able to tell you just because I don’t retain what I read that well (which is odd because I love reading so much). Obviously there has to be characteristics in me that Hargett sees in order to entrust me like this, but I guess because I know my flaws I just can’t see it. And there’s not much that this “presidency” even entails; just some emails from the college that I’ll need to keep up with to make sure deadlines are met on whatever they need; but still. I almost can’t help thinking that he gave me it because I am good at organizing and detailing events and whatnot, which is fine because I know its one of my spiritual gifts that God has given me.

I was so excited about this earlier this afternoon, but now I question it. It was one thing to accept the fact that God was calling me into a leadership role to begin with…but now to be “in charge” of a group…that’s a whole different idea. Then again…perhaps He’s preparing me for something with Chi Alpha down the line. Maybe its not so much the missionary aspect, like the Hargetts or Moodys, but more of the administration of Chi Alpha as a whole, like Dennis Gaylor…or something like that. Even if it is more of what Gaylor does, its still missionary work, which would definitely fill the calling that I feel, but it would also play into what giftings God’s placed in me. And now that I’ve thought this out in a way I can physically see it, instead of just jumbled up in my head, I’m getting excited once again. I’m excited to see what growth and opportunities He’s going to use this “presidency” for. I’m excited to see just how He’s going to play this all out. I’m excited to see just how much He is going to stretch/push/pull/prod me and grow me-spirtually, mentally, and physically throughout this all. I’m excited about not only the ups but the downfalls, the lows, that I’m going to go through. Because I know that He’s got it under control and its in His hands.

So yea, I’m the new Chi Alpha president.

And I’m totally giving it up to God.

Ah, I think I’m growing up some. Which is a totally great thing. Let’s see…

1. I’ve finally accepted God’s will for my life. This is awesome. I so incredibly at peace now with school. I know that He’s somehow going to make it that I get my degree if I am to do what He’s calling me to do. I’m also at peace that somehow I should be able to get into the English program, especially when I seem to be at ease with creative writing, unlike that crap called business. But I’m so excited about what God’s doing in my life. In fact, I might sign up to take some classes that are once a month, and if so, it’ll help me out even better. I definetely need to pray about them and whatnot, but its awesome to see what He’s showing me and where He’s taking me.

2. I stepped out of my “box” tonight a bit. I am by no means a sports person, but because I had about three people asking me to play, I decided to join the Field Games Lifegroup tonight in playing kickball. Only, we got there and the field was taken by baseball practices. So then we all decided on basketball, only we went to the outdoor courts at the gym to only have them all locked up.  Soccer was what we ended up playing. :/ I am not a fan of soccer. But I didn’t complain (other than the occassional “i hate soccer” with a smile). Of course I was horrible at playing though. My team was really nice about it though, and they basically wouldn’t let me quit playing. haha. We even had some international guys come up and ask to play with us, and they kept trying to teach me. It was pretty cool.

3. I feel like I’m doing better in XA now that I’ve accepted what God’s been trying to get my attention on for the past month or so.  I feel like I’m getting back in the groove of things, whereas I just felt sort of outcasted.  I know its stupid to think, but a lot of the time I feel like the guys aren’t really all that close of friends with me even though we hang out all the time. Its totally dumb, because the guys definetely call me up on stuff to do or invite me to chill and hang out. But anyways, I’m feeling better about XA over all.

Growing up is kind of frightening, but its exciting as well. I can’t wait to see how God keeps growing me as this semester goes by.

I went walking at Lake Johnson today and took some pictures…this is the best out of them all I think.

Water’s Kiss

I had some fun with aperture.

i feel like im breaking, falling, careening in a thousand different directions and i’m never going to be fully together again.
i feel that i’m never going to get into the major that i want to be in-that im just going to fail all over again, and i don’t want that.
im good at writing. i had 4 different people tell me over the past 2 days that they cried when reading my short story (see previous blog entry). i’ve finally found something that im good at, and im afraid that i won’t pass two of these classes with a b- or higher. i can barely make c’s on tests.
i’m trying so hard to hold on to my faith; to believe that God has something amazing in store for me. that He knows what i’m going to do with my life; that he has a reason for me being here. but i’m failing miserably.
i can’t sleep. i can’t focus. i’ve gotten 14 hours of sleep over the past 3-4 days. i’m falling apart and i’m doing a great job of hiding it from everyone with the exception of this once a week day. this day where i am so ornery and testy and moody. im short and cross with people and i know it. so i keep my mouth shut, my head down, and i fade into the backlight. no one notices and if they do notice, they don’t act on it, and if they act on it, then don’t try and dig deeper into what is wrong. its just the surface. i freakin HATE the surface. but even i manage to inquire only on the surface level, so whats the point in getting mad? i’m no different.

in leadership tonight, we watched a video on improving our strengths; to better our strengths instead of trying to better our weaknesses. but what if the only way to better your strength is to better your weakness…and you can’t seem to better your weakness. what then? ever since i was little i’ve loved writing. i was always coming up with stories, random songs, poems, phrases, words. i had the most active imagination ever. and then i let that passion get away from me. but now that its back i dont want to lose it again.

…………….i’m just going to have to keep trusting that God has me in His hands. that He knows whats in store for me. i need to have faith in him; to believe him; to trust that He wants the best for me. like, i know that He does, but do i trust Him enough to believe what i know? i have to. i can’t live not believing, not trusting, not having faith in Him. but i feel so lost right now.

Lord, please, just reveal yourself to me. I need to feel you. I need to hear your voice. I need to know that your guiding me. Help me discern your voice from this doubtful one.  You uplift, you don’t bring down. Help me to realize that each time I start hearing this haunting. Lead me, Jesus. Guide me. I need you. I love you Lord.

-immashutterbug

So I’ve started another side-blog. It’ll be where I post up stories and whatnot.  Mostly so I can get critiques on my writing for my Fiction Writing class that I’m taking this semester; maybe random people will come across it and tell me their thoughts-what I need to fix, change, what they like about it, etc. Who knows…you can go here if you want to read my stuff:

immashutterbug

Grace->a freely offered love that seeks and suffers in order to save.

I feel like I am a failure.  There.  I said it.  I love how I can admit that to the entire world, everyone who I do not know personally, and yet to my friends, to the people that would actually care, I can’t.  I know I shouldn’t feel this way. I mean, I can totally see God working in my life.  I can see his hand upon me, how’s he’s showing me things, how he’s opening and closing doors in order for me to walk in the right direction-his direction.  But I just can’t seem to stop this feeling of depression that is slowly sinking over me and breaking me apart as a tide licks at a sand castle.

I couldn’t get into the English department. I knew it was a long shot to begin with, that more than likely I wouldn’t get in right away, that I would need to re-apply come next semester. But I kept hoping that God would magically allow me to be accepted.  That he would open the doors for me, bad gpa and all.  It didn’t work like that. I got an email today saying that my application was denied, but that I should try again next semester. And while that is a glimmer of hope, its just a wave of unfulfilled expectations.  I don’t know what to do with my life. I keep seeking and asking for Him to reveal to me what it is that I am supposed to be doing-why I am even here at college in the first place. I mean, its come to the point now that He has worked out the financial part of college; I now have money for the next year of school-what should be my senior year. But if I can’t get into the program until next semester, then I will have already wasted a years worth of classes on elective hours for the business degree. And what good does that do me? Absolutely none. It would be a waste. A waste of time. A waste of money. A waste of everything. I don’t want to waste this. I don’t want to waste this next year trying to get into a program that isn’t going to accept me, and be stuck in a program that I don’t fit.

God keeps showing me different things about integrity and being vulnerable. I thought I had integrity. Maybe I did, maybe I lost it, maybe I have it partially but its hidden. I don’t know. A definition of integrity is to be honest-completely honest. Being completely honest means being completely vulnerable. I don’t like being vulnerable. I am an independant person-I always have been. It’s just how my parents raised me. And I can be vulnerable to a point, but after that, good luck trying. Rarely do people see the vulnerable side of me. This side that screams, cries, wishes, dreams, hopes, my failures, my everything, my core. There are only a handful of people that I feel completely at ease with at being that vulnerable. And yet, God wants me to be more open to more??? I just don’t know how I can do that. I try. I really do. I’m really bad at connecting with other girls in Chi Alpha. I just get along with the guys better. But I’ve been trying. I’ve been especially trying because I am a leader, and how does that look if one of the leaders doesn’t even talk to other girls? Girls who I am supposed to be leading? It’s just hard. I’m not a girly-girl, and to make matters worse, most seem to be. And while there are a few girls that I’ve been able to connect with, to open up slightly to, I just feel like God is telling me that he wants MORE. More, more, more. How can I open up more??!!!

I want to do what He is asking of me. I want to be able to open myself up to others-to be free of this wall that I surround my heart in. But being vulnerable means allowing others to be able to hurt me-something I’m not too fond of.

I dunno….I guess if I want to be whole, if I want to be a woman who has integrity, then I’m going to have to put myself out there. I’m going to have to open up to others. I’m going to have to reveal my flaws, my cracks. I met with Hargett today for a bit at the house when me and the guys were just chilling. And he says I’m in a position for God to do great things in my life. But what I want to know is how does he know that? How does Hargett know this is not just all a front? An act put on to keep people out? How?? How can people tell when I am really being open with them and when I’m not? I know I’m not asking that the world be 100% open with me everytime I come into contact with another person. But is that what I’m being asked to do? Am I being asked to share my pitfalls, my faults, my failures with every person that i meet? In every situation that I come into? I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to handle that. It was bad enough on Monday night, after I had given blood, to hold in my tears over nothing when in front of the guys before they sent me home. My voice cracked every time I started to say something. And over what?! I had nothing wrong with me but low iron!! I don’t understand!!

I really just want God to reveal himself to me. To show me what it is that I am supposed to do in this up-coming year. And to help me be vulnerable to others. I guess it all comes down to grace. I love other people. And if I’m seeking to love other people and to show Christ to them, then I am going to have to be vulnerable. I’m going to have to open myself up to others-to let them see the real me. And thats what scares me.

-immashutterbug

Have you ever just needed some really chill music? Upbeat and yet still relaxed enough that you’re able to focus on studying? My friend let me borrow his LCD Soundsystem cd the other day and I’ve come to conclude tonight that its just the thing for studying. Check them out if you never have before.

On a side note, I woke up today at 5:30 for no apparent reason other than someone was on my mind and I couldn’t stop dreaming/thinking about them. Finally I started praying for them but when I tried to fall back asleep my brain had already awakened and I was up for good. Needless to say I was not about to sit around and do nothing until my 9am alarm clock rang. So what did I do? I gathered up my camera, my newly acquired ipod, and drove downtown and started taking pictures.  It was pretty fun. I’ve never actually walked the downtown streets before, and doing so at 6 o’clock in the morning was pretty exhilarating.  I definitely wouldn’t mind doing that again one day. So here’s just a few of the shots that I took. I’m calling the series, Urban Sunrise.

You can go here for more of my stuff: http://www.flickr.com/photos/immashutterbug/

After that, I came back home and got ready for school. Walked out to my car, got in ready to head on my way only to have my car die on me. No rumble, no reving of the engine. Absolutely nothing. Thankfully, Davina hadn’t left her apt. yet, so I walked the 10 minutes to her house and rode with her to school. This afternoon Bobby came buy and jumped my car-yea for dead batteries, right?! I barely made it to the auto shop. I’m driving up this hill on Western only to have to stop because some idiot cars don’t know that green means go, and they decide not to drive and as I’m sitting there my car decides that it doesn’t want to live anymore. Shuddering, shaking, and continually turning itself off and then on-it freaked me out so bad! I kept praying, ‘Jesus, just get me to the shop. I’m almost there. Just get me to the parking lot!’ Jesus answers prayers people; that’s all I’m saying. I was able to make it into the parking lot and as I was pulling into a spot the car started shuddering and shaking again. I was barely able to actually park before it turned itself off. Yea for new batteries though, because now its working again!

This evening I’ve gotten a good amount of homework done so I’m quit proud of myself. I did my reading for my fiction writing class for tomorrow, although I definetely need to write that story this weekend. I also did a bit of studying for my econ test that is next friday. My first test of the semester. I’m GOING to do well!!! (thats what I keep telling myself)

I get to meet with a lady in the english department in the morning. I’m excited. I believe she’s the dean, and if so, then she’ll be able to help me figure out how to switch majors. So I really hope that goes well. In any case, its my bed time and Im in some major need of sleep (hopefully I’ll be able to since I did take a 2 hour nap today).

-immashutterbug